I’m Debra Dè Louse and in honor of summer, today I’m interviewing children ranging in age from 7-13 at the Carefree Children’s Camp Conundrum. The conundrum of course being how to send your kids to camp and not have them come home with lice??
Miraculously the director here (Penelope Parasitelope) claims to have a Lice-Free Zone. Let’s find out how that’s working out for them, shall we? (By the way, I’m standing 10 feet away not necessarily because I suspect lice — It’s because none of these kids shower.)
Debra Dè Louse: Hi Kids! How’s your camping experience? Who’s itchy?
Richie (age 8) I am! I am! But my mommy claims it’s not lice but instead that I’m just a highly allergic child. That’s why my nickname is “Itchy Richie.”
London (age 5) My mum’s a bit cheeky and says to always tell people this is just dandruff.
Debra Dè Louse: Wow. You’ve got quite a mum. But aren’t you a bit young to be at this camp?
London (age 5) Crikey, yes! Mum talks rubbish about my age too. So the truth is I’m really four years old and I bloody well do have lice. Simply brilliant!
Brooklyn (age 10) Ohh! So YOU’RE the little British Boy my dad says is spreading it around!
Debra Dé Louse: Now, now, let’s not point fingers. How do you kids get rid of your lice?
Madison (age 12) Ugh. I get sent to grandma’s to deal with it. Her house already smells funny. So all the bad stink from the lice treatments just sorta blends right in over there.
Savannah & Sydney (Twins age 9) Our mom pays us five bucks to comb each other’s nits out for three hours.
Debra Dè Louse: Aww, just like two little chimps at the zoo.
Dakota (age 10) My dad shaves my head.
Debra Dè Louse: That’s a real shame. Talk about your bad hair day. By the way, what’s up with all you kids having names that are actual locations?
London: Get with it lady, that’s a thing now. Maybe it’s also symbolic to illustrate that lice can infect people anywhere in the world?
Debra Dè Louse: I think you’re a bit too smart for your age.
London: Too big for my britches, Mum says.
Debra Dè Louse: Well what if I told you there’s a surefire way to get rid of lice (and the nits!) without bad chemicals, shaving, or getting sent away to grandma’s?
Kids: We’d all Instagram and Snapchat it!
Debra Dè Louse: Great idea! Let me bring out the new cool patented device Lice Clinics of America uses and we’ll take a group photo for the Internet? Get close together, everyone. Lean in!
London: 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54 . . .
Debra Dè Louse: What the heck are you doing, kid?
London: Counting by 9’s the lice that are transferring back and forth from all our heads while you take the pic! Don’t you know that’s one of biggest ways people get lice?
Debra Dè Louse: (whispering) Can you take it easy on the lice shaming, kid. This is live coverage. You can’t be only four years old? Are you even British?
London: Whatever! C’mon ya little buggers — Let’s go share sleeping bags and tell ghost stories inside that dark tunnel. Last one there is a rotten lice egg!
Debra Dè Louse: Well folks, you heard about Lice Clinics of America’s amazing solution right here first from Camp Conundrum. I’m Debra Dè Louse reporting live (and reporting lice!) reminding you to always look for the
light lice at the end of the tunnel!
DISCLAIMER: NO SMART ALEC CHILDREN, (REAL OR IMAGINED) WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS NEWSBRIEF!